Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*

When did razors get so expensive?

Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes

[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]

Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton

Mob boss: Him too

Nobody:

Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch

You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.

The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.