My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
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I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
From my Mom
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Self-cleaning conscience
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK