My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
You Might Also Like
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE