My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
You Might Also Like
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
If you had more money you’d be happier.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.