My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
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can’t bark with your mouth full
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face