My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
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Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
hand it over!
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
decorating my apartment
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
the official breakfast of 2021
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.