My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
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Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano
-me politely declining dates
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”