My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
You Might Also Like
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?