Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.

Too easy.

Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen

I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None

happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.

Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…

Wife: I think the washer went out

Me: What time will it be back?

Wife: Please get my suitcase

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”