Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike

moving in: you know what this place could use…

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.

ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head

Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?