My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
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If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall