My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
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[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Inside me, there are two wolves and neither one of them knows what to make for dinner.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it