My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
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Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers