My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
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Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*