My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
You Might Also Like
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Bed should get ready for ME
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
We need more people like this.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂