Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.

Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.

one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”

These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.

My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

Orion’s belt? Waist of space!

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”