My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
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[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER