My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
They did not miss in the small print
