My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Self-cleaning conscience
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
dark side of the loom
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I have obtained a hat
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
