Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.

*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party

I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater

Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?

9: You

Me: What about me?

9: You won’t think its as funny as we do

I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.

Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

Take caution while searching the annals of history.

The anals of history provide very different results.

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978

It’s the weekend y’all

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”