Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

Genie: You have 3 wishes—

Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!

*45 minutes later*

Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?

Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

i wonder why they stopped looking

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti

*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*

Perfect.

My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.

Me: What. Like a cat?

My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

[having a discussion]

BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

*puts cutlery down*

My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.

I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.