My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
You Might Also Like
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.