Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

I’m sorry…what?

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

In the Target toy aisles-

“No, please put that back”

“I said we aren’t buying anything today”

“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”

– and that’s just me to my husband

*Buys something from Amazon

*Tracks package from Amazon

*Gets delivery from Amazon

Me)I wonder what this is

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’

Me: ‘It’s fine.’

17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?

Me: Who?

17: Scooper.

Me: Again, who?

17: Landlord’s son.

Me: COOPER?!

17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.

Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.

GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”

They got Raph!

The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings

My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.

Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:

– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.