My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
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Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR