My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
You Might Also Like
Smells like a challenge to me
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.