My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
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Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
old twitter is back baby
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Snapes on a plane.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.