My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
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Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?