My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
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Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.