My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
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Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
i just started buying stock from the market…i have chicken, beef, and vegetable…i hope that makes me a bouillonaire one day 😂😂 i love telling jokes and walking around the financial district in new york city 😝
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
sin harder.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!