Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Discussing the school nativity play*

Me: Who’s Mary?

7: She’s Jesus’s mum.

Me: Yes, who’s playing her.

7: Dunno.

Me: Who’s Joseph?

7: He’s Mary’s husband.

Me:

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**

Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅

The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”

He’s 14.

Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.

Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

[At the restaurant]

One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.

God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones

Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?

God: eh you’ll figure it out

The guy at the party who casually pukes on your ficus plant and keeps on talking without missing a beat is not the one you should worry about.

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

Types of Amazon reviews:

9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!

283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck

5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke

1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”