My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
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There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
cyclists
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.