Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?

A Candy Cane.

Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!

Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly

Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao

Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.

Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.

15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground