Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel

Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?

Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.

The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.

*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

Friend: wyd

Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?

8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?

It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.