My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
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Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
This is the one
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.