My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
