My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
You Might Also Like
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.