Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]

Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.

-Me, flirting.

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration

me: oh wow, alread-

teachers: your kid has to bring something in

me: oh ok, sure what shou-

teachers: 100 somethings

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

Are you a cat person or a person person?

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

Best misinterpreted text ever!

Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.

Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy

Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here

Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.