My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
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HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching: