Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services

it’s either covid or clever vampires

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.

Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road

You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?

Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs

GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

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The Chosen Phew

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.