My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
You Might Also Like
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”