My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
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We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
The point of your 20s
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids