My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
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How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.