Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback

(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big

Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

Called it

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!

Job interviewer: …And a weakness?

With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.

Me: It’s going to be a great day!

Life: Yeah, about that…

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice