My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
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[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
My Guy
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered