Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle

Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.