Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching nature documentary]

*hawk kills mouse*

That’s so amazing.

*hawk kills lizard*

I could watch this all day.

*hawk kills bunny*

MURDERER! *turns off TV*

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

Don’t tell me how to lift my baby

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

Noah was an idiot.

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness

[last day of creative writing class]

“are u ready to name ur band?”

Dave Matthews: u bet i am

The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

lawyer: just say you were with a friend

me: ok

[later]
cop: where were you that night?

me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?

Walt Disney: Kill the mom.

P: and the mermaid movie?

WD: Kill the mom.

P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?

WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

[tries to blow a kiss]

Kiss: I have a boyfriend

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.