Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles

We don’t have a dog

Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

Finished stitching this today 😇

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

Lmao

Just burnt 2,000 calories…

That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

Finally a use for spoilers…