My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
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9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Lol
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*