My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
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I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
The French cow says MEUX…
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief