My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
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and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
thanks auntie mary
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.