Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hard not to take this personally

My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.

My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

Wooden Horsie 🐴

Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds

If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..

Keep. Him. 😂

My family: u about to go to work???

Me in my work clothes:

Person: Home decor is a niche market.

Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.

I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.

A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?

me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves

PARKOUR