My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
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There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
the short answer to this question
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.