My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
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hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!