My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
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Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
never ask a starfish for directions
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
How to walk around a museum
go easy on yourself <3
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.