Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”

Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.

Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?

Me: party?

And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore

Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

lot going on here, legally speaking.

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them