My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
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ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours