My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
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me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
This came to me in a dream.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no