My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
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The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face