I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
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I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit