Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE

*gunshots*

Husband getting dressed:

Me: Purple and green don’t go together.

Husband: It works for the Joker.

Me: My point exactly.

I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf

“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

Quadruple digit IQ

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard

by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood