Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

Review for this new shatter I just tried:

Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep

me: i wonder what geese do at night

goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time

want me to check your oil?

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.