My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
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A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.