My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
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[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you