My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
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*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying