My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
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Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
i like to flex on them by shrugging
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.