Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

why isn’t he texting back

[2000]

Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.

My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

I am, perchance

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?

Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices

Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.

*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out