My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
You Might Also Like
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies