My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
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In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Help Wanted
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I’m already scared
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap