My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
How it started How it’s going
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
