My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
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With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Orange is oranging 🟠
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.