My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
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My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Hard not to take this personally
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it