My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
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I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?