My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
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My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store