Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*

“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!

asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.

I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife