My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
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Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I just ran a .003048K
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.