Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS

Some people like to stir the pot…

…I prefer to smoke it.

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

God has abandoned us.

Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.

Much easier and safer

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun

Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.

HER: what’s with all the finger pointing

ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?

Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *sound of footsteps running away*

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19