My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
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Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.