Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny

The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”

(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.

The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.

Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..

When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

[first time skydiving]

Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*

Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet

WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*

*ninja group therapy

Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.