My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
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cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit