Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks

I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I have a lot of experience.

“Great, can you elaborate?”

They’re bad experiences.

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.

Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?

Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.

*puts cutlery down*

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

[Valentine’s Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.

OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes

LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.

Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap